Deep Thoughts by Piper Bob

There are things in life that are deep, and unfathomable. I seek to explore these mysteries and hopefully provide valuable insights that will be of assistance to a new generation of knowledge seekers. Each week, uh or month, or whenever I can get around to it, I will share a perplexing mystery and then provide insights that only I can share. So without further adieu, here is the first perplexing mystery of life that I will shed light upon.

What is the cause of Adolescent Attitude?

We have all seen the signs. "Shane, could you please empty the dishwasher?", asks a patient loving mother. "In a minute! Sheesh!", replies the saucy teen in an irritating annoyed whine, as though she had been nagging him for hours and he had finally reached his limit. How about the twenty year old that should be attending college, and making his way in the world, but instead feels it is his duty to make sure his parents aren't lonely. So he has decided to live at home, but wait, he is never home is he, hmmm, oh well.

What is it that turns adorable children, into ego maniacal monsters, bent on self fulfillment only, and devoid of rational thought. This is a question that has kept the wise men guessing for years. When Cesar approached Plato to ask why his son kept stealing the chariot and leaving it on the sand dunes with the horses missing, Plato had no intelligent response. When Nero was frustrated at his daughter's fixation of dating the son of the mongol lord, he approached Socrates, and asked why. Socrates simply said, "Like sands from the hourglass, so are the days of our lives"

Well, I have done what the wise me could not. Wise men? Wise guys more like it. I have conducted my own top secret investigation and I have discovered the cause for myself. here are my findings.

Late at night, on the eve of my youngest son's 13th birthday, I secreted myself in a dark corner of his room to test a theory I have been working on. I have surmised, through keen intellect and deductive reasoning, that there must be some being from another realm, that comes and affects some change on or youth. Perhaps it is a ghoulish joke, perhaps an evil specter is exacting his cruel revenge on parents because he is unable to achieve the bliss of such filial offspring. Regardless, there I was, in the corner, feeling like I might be sacrificing a much needed night of repose in vain. Then it happened.

It started as a faint blue glow emanating from the far wall opposite my son's bed. The glow gradually increased until it was a blinding slit of white light, that went from the floor to the ceiling. Suddenly, the slit of light began to part; much like someone parting a curtain to allow entrance to a room. Through the slit, appeared a small leg, then another, and then the rest of the small visage became visible. It stood about three feet tall, and had hair that ran down to the ground and completely covered his fat rotund body. From the top protruded a bulbous nose, and gnarly green teeth. Two beady eyes completed the ghastly mug. He wore a tee shirt that said, "Got Fairy?" on the front. He wreaked of some odor that I could not put my finger on, but it was foul. I finally had seen enough, I jumped to my feet and confronted the little troll.

Stop, I whispered. What are you doing here? In a raspy guttural voice it said, "I am the Poop Fairy. I am here to do that which I always do, that which must be done, and that which you are powerless to stop me from doing". And with that he raised his hand and out of his finger a blue arching flame hit me and pinned me to the wall. I was immediately engulfed in the paralyzing flame, and had to watch helplessly, as I could not move a muscle. A sort of paralyzed state. What I saw will ever be etched in my memory. The fairy approached my son, and with what seemed to be a surgical tool, he made an incision in the upper part of his brain, and removed the upper part of his head. With a quick stroke, he extracted my son's brain and quickly placed it into a pack he had brought with him. from the same pack he extracted a foul smelling lump of something. Noooooo! I screamed, but the blue flame that held me bound, prevented most of the sound from being heard. It did catch the fairy's attention though, and he turned and gave me a menacing grin. Back he turned, and he placed the foul smelling lump where Shane's brain used to reside.

Suddenly I recognized that pungent odor. I had smelled it so many times, while visiting the farms in and around Albany, with my father. It was Cow Excrement. Before this thought had even fully congealed in my brain, the fairy had done his work. Shane's head was back together, without even the slightest scar. and the fairy was making his way back to his bright doorway.

Before he left, and in some bizarre attempt at compassion, he turned to me and said, in that same raspy voice, "Don't get ya shorts all in a bundle. I always return with the brain when the kid turns 20. Ya see, a mind is a terrible thing to waste, so we let other, more deserving folk use this brain for a while. A kind of, Rent a Noggin, program, if you will. I'll bring this kid's noodle back, don't worry". And with that he was gone, and the blue flame that had held me bound, suddenly released me and I fell, like a sack of potatoes, to the ground.

Shane woke with a start, "Dad! What are you doing in my room!" Alas, I knew what had happened, and my Hypothesis had been proven. So now you know the truth as well. Therein is the answer to this perplexing question, posed above. Hope this has been informative, and helpful. Stay tuned for another installment of,

Deep Thoughts. Ta Ta