Dan sat in his favorite chair, enjoying the quiet evening. He loved the holidays. Suddenly, his quiet evening was disturbed by the sound of the doorbell. Inwardly he cringed.
“Please not another gift from Aunt Nora.”
He grudgingly rose from his chair and walked to the front door.
“Good evening, sir. Got a package for ya; please sign here.”
Dan looked at the label and saw it was from Aunt Nora. He was half-tempted to refuse the delivery, but then Nora’s heart would be broken. As he closed the door, he let the package drop into a wastebasket standing nearby. He knew what it was; she sent the same present every year, Fruitcake!
Unfortunately, Dan’s son Calum found the delectable delight before the trash could be emptied. Calum was on his way to play football with his pals when he noticed his beloved pigskin was sorely lacking air. Needing a suitable alternative, he spied the conspicuous package protruding from the waste bin. He quickly snatched it up and headed out the door, unwrapping it as he went. To his delight, he found what looked like a flat Frisbee.
“If we can’t play football, we’ll play with this!”
After all, one flying object was as good as another, so off he raced to the local park to meet his friends. They had quite a time with the soft, round toy. Oh, it wasn’t quite as good as a real Frisbee, but hey; times were hard and something, even a soft mushy Frisbee wrapped in plastic, was better than nothing at all. After a few hours of rigorous activity, the boys grew weary of their newfound toy. Calum gave one last heave to the Frisbee fruitcake and sent it sailing off toward the pond, situated in the center of the park.
There it lay in the tall grass beside the small pond. In time, a curious duck came waddling up to the cast off cake. It pecked at the treat a few times until it created a small tear in the plastic. Pushing his bill in past the plastic, it tore off a small piece of the cake, then let out a loud quack. Shaking its head, it turned tail and ran quickly to the safety of its peers. The excited duck began quacking loudly, as if he was telling his harrowing story of the encounter with the foul tasting pastry.
There it lay, in the cold grass. It was getting late and most of the park visitors were gone. A lone man - one of the many ‘residentially challenged’ souls who frequented the area - was strolling along and nearly tripped on the fruitcake. Bending down, he picked up the pastry.
“I’m hungry, but not that hungry! Hmmm, it might make a nice pillow though.”
Off he went with his new sleep aid. Unfortunately, he never got the chance to try out his new pillow. It slipped from his grasp as he crossed the bridge that spanned the stream, flowing from the pond. Down went the cake, landing in the fast moving water. It bounced and bobbed, finally coming to rest in a clump of twigs and branches, deep inside a metal storm drain. There it remained until...
(October 24, 2295 A.D)
“Professor, over here, I’ve found something.”
It was a young man named Tyronius Thurston. He and his Paleontology classmates were out on a field trip and came upon a most unusual discovery. Professor Sortley turned his hoverplate 2000 and came gliding toward Tyronius.
“What is it Mr. Thurston? What have you found?”
“It appears to be some sort of metal tube. It has a strange undulating surface.”
“Oh come now, Tyronius. We have seen metal tubes like this before. It is what used to be referred to as a storm drain, I believe. Long ago, these primitive people used them to channel water to various destinations.”
“No sir, I’m not interested in the metal tube. Look here, through this rusted opening. Do you see it?”
Shining his light through the opening, a small round object glistened in the dim light.
“There, what is that?”
The professor knelt down and peered into the dimly lit tube. Without saying a word, he went to his Hoverplate and retrieved a mechanical device. He turned a knob and a long, snakelike arm began to emerge. At the end of the arm were four prongs with joints like fingers. The other end had a glove with a cable that attached to the rod. The professor slid his hand into the glove and began moving his fingers. As he did so, prongs on the other end mimicked his movements exactly.
Gently he pried the round object loose from the debris and hoisted it through the rusty hole, to the surface. Laying the object on the ground the students examined the curious find.
“What is it?” Asked one of the students.
The Professor shrugged his shoulders.
“I have no idea. Perhaps it is a cocoon of some sort.”
Carefully, the professor cut away the dirty plastic lining, revealing the contents within.
“It appears to be some sort of food.”
There was a label on the front of the object, which he wiped with his hand. He read the inscription aloud,
“Mrs. McDonald’s Premium Fruitcake…”
The Professor found out a profound truth, some things do last forever. So if you’re wondering what to get that hard to shop for person on your Christmas list, why not try a fruitcake. They have over a hundred different uses, and not one involves eating. Merry Christmas.
